Kobe Obama

For years, I played basketball with a bunch of fatties/oldies/baldies at my local gym. One of the things you learn when you play these guys night in and night out is how their game usually mirrors their professional style and how you need to play them.

The more I witness the train wreck known as the Obama administration, the more I can't help but compare his management style to his basketball game; they're practically identical. Given that I've played against guys like O, let me lay out his game to you.

He plays no "D"

When Obama's on your team, this is what you'll learn early and often. He plays no defense. When his guy dribbles past him, his first instinct is to yell "help". After his guy scores, he's bitching at you for not picking up his guy.

He can't drive to the rack

Did you notice on the 60 Minute piece how he stood outside the three point line like it was some kind of Star Trek force field? Part of that is, being left handed, he can't drive on you because he can't go to his right (in more ways than one). So he stands out on the wing clapping his hands yelling "ball, ball".

His game is all about you getting him the ball so he can fire up a three. He never works to get himself open. No, it's up to you to get him his shot. Assist is not in his vocabulary at all. In fact, his next assist will probably be his first.

He cherry picks

One of the most annoying things about his nonexistent defensive game is the fact that he's always on the other end of the court cherry picking for a lay up after you do all the hard and hefty rebounding work on the other end.

In addition, he's the kind of guy you get fed up with because, while you're getting your ass down the court, he's firing up a three with no rebounding help. After a while, you just get fed up hustling because you know he's going to fire up a shot before his teammates get past half court.

His whole game is one dimensional

This is the guy I love to defend because he's so easy. All you have to do is place yourself between him and the passing lane and you've totally neutralized him and you get to take a blow on defense.

Since he's never actually had to work to get the ball, he can never understand why his teammates can't seem to make a twenty foot skip pass, over me, to him. So after the first four or five trips down the court and he hasn't touched the ball; he gets big time pissy.

This is when you start trash talking the shit out of him.

Then you tease a pass to him just because you know he's going to want to fire up one in your face. Usually, he'll miss because he's forcing a shot. That just makes him more determined. By the time the game is over, he's chucked enough bricks to build a cathedral.

He's a glory whore

During most games, there will be a time when a pretty wife or girlfriend walks into the gym to watch. This is when The O shines. He'll do anything to "face" another player so he looks good in front of the hottie. For the first time in the game, he'll actually work for a shot.

If you are defending him, you way over play his left, forcing him to go right. Because it's such an unnatural movement for him, it's going to result in another forced shot/brick.

He's most dangerous when he's in trouble

I remember a Bob Huggin's quote about good shots "90% of all good shots are preceded by a good pass".

When the O is on your team there's going to be that one trip down the court when he thinks he can drive for a game winner. Knowing what a ball hog he is, you set a screen for him. Because of his ego, he ignores your screen but then throws a 40 mph pass three feet from you when he gets trapped on the baseline. The pass goes whizzing by everyone out of bounds.

He'd be undefeated if it wasn't for his teammates

After you lose your third straight game and have to sit out, you get to listen to this guy bark incessantly about how the team would have won all those games if his teammates would have just gotten him the damn ball.

He somehow never seems to make the connection that the only common thread to all of his losses is him.

Now go and apply the Kobe Wanna Be metaphors to anything Obama and you'll see that I'm not running smack.