Gym etiquette

I just got back from the gym. Now I know that this is the big day for gyms across the country with all these people getting in their New Year's resolution.

Look, I'm not against resolutions; getting back in shape is one for me as well. But I think we need to go through some do's and don't at the gym.

Do Go crazy and park where there's a spot. Don't be one of those people following people to the parking lots so you can take their spot. Remember, you are at the gym, not the mall, walking that extra 15 feet might actually be good for you.

Don't Be one of those guys who wears compression shorts with a tucked in shirt. I think I can speak for the ladies on this; they don't want to see your junk anymore than I do.

Don't Be one of those women with the mushroom top wearing the same apparel. Look I don't have much of a body to sport anymore so I keep myself clothed in the gym.

Do Realize that breath mints, gum and deodorant are good things at the gym.

Don't Be the guy at my gym who has to get four towels to put on all the seated equipment. Remember, all those disgusting germs you are trying to keep from your clothed ass just ended up on your bare hands when you picked up the towel. If you're that paranoid about getting SARS or bird flu you should build yourself a bubble and live in it. Besides, my dues have to pay for all that laundry getting cleaned.

Don't Sing. Look, I love that Nirvana song when Kirk Cobain does it. It really sucks when you sing it.... without the music.

Don't Grunt. Unless your Maria Sharapova, your grunting is really obscene. Actually, so is Sharapova's, but that's a turn on.

Don't Yap all day long to somebody about your kids making the elite soccer team; accepted to Harvard; working on wall street, etc., I'm trying to watch a ball game. I'm also not interested in your neighbor banging your other neighbor, your crack head brother, or your erratic menstrual cycles. So please take that junk to the lobby.

By following the above tips, we can all have a wonderful experience at the gym.